Posts Tagged ‘Halloween’

By Tricia Lunt, English Faculty

The question, “What are you going to be?” means something different this time of year, which is one of the many reasons why I thoroughly enjoy celebrating Halloween. Selecting a Halloween costume is terrific fun and a rare opportunity to be someone other than ourselves.


This year, I was invited to many Halloween events (I always tell my students that I’m extremely popular). The party last Saturday was a “Saturday Morning Cartoons” theme, so I jumped in the way-back machine and dressed as Jem; she’s truly outrageous! My friend, Heather, went as Paddington Bear.

Saturated with shades of pink,  the ensemble I put together was successful enough for people to understand that I was Jem; alas, my costume wasn’t quite as good as that of the other Jem at the party, who had a more rockin’ 80’s wig. It certainly wasn’t surprising that another woman had a latent desire to be a super-cool, pink-wig-wearing rock star.

Tomorrow night, the Urban Family and I are are dancing at Beauty Bar, which is featuring an 80’s Halloween dance party. I’m going as Punky Brewster, ideally bringing her spunk and colorful layers to the dance floor. Jem seems too obvious, somehow, and the weather has turned colder.punky

Imbedded in these choices, linger decisions that adults are rarely asked to make—what else could you be? We are all diligently working on who we are, trying to become a better version of ourselves, the best version of ourselves, ideally.


Tricia Lunt?

At Halloween, we are enticed to explore different facets within, think of the men who dress as women (and who look fabulous in dresses, I might add). We are permitted–encouraged–to break free from our prescribed self, which is why when my friend suggest I dress as Velma Dinkely from Scooby-Doo, a childhood favorite to be sure, I turned to her and said, “but I’m Velma every day!” The glasses, the turtleneck, the sensible shoes: ask anyone who’s seen me hunt for my glasses.

On Halloween, I want to be someone else entirely.

So we reach beyond what we are to what we might be, or might have been, or might yet become. We revisit childhood and gleefully take up handfuls of sugar-coated goodness.

Halloween offers a trip down the rabbit hole, accompanied by the comforting assurance that when it’s over, we will come back to ourselves again.

By Paul Gaszak, English Faculty

I love candy, because I’m a fat kid at heart; Literally – I may actually have Sour Patch Kids lodged in my arteries. Since no holiday celebrates candy to orgiastic proportions like Halloween, let’s clarify some points about the season’s sugary delights:

  • Candy is the only time when the “Fun Size” is the smaller size.
    • Why do we accept companies dictating a “Fun Size” to us? How’d those “Fun Size” sodas work out in New York?


  • There are “King Size” candy bars, just like with beds. But there are no “Queen Size” bars. At worst, that seems sexiest. At minimum, that seems like a lonely life for the King.
    • Twix and Kit Kat already handled the “Twin Size.”
These are Twix...I hope.

These are Twix…I hope.

  • Candy corn is associated with Halloween, but I associate real corn with summer more than fall. We need candy versions of true fall staples:
    • candy hay fever
    • candy influenza
    • candy forgot-to-change-my-clocks
    • candy “why-is-it-so-cold-in-this-house”
    • candy “sure-is-gettin’-dark-early-these-days”
  • Taffy Apples count as a serving of fruit. Just because an apple rolled around in some caramel and nuts doesn’t mean it’s no longer an apple.
    • If a person rolled around in caramel and nuts, they’d still be a person – a person you’d totally want to hangout with.
      • Non-Halloween Point of Clarification: a banana split is also a serving of fruit.
  • Taffy Apples with sprinkles are apples with an identity crisis. They’re half-Halloween, half-Ice Cream Shop, and All-Carnivale.
  • Pumpkin is getting imperialistic. Pie was fine, but it has pushed its way into candies, cookies, donuts, spiced lattes. If you find a pumpkin outside your home that you didn’t put there, it’s there to take your stuff.
    • Our ancestors saw this coming, hence why they started carving pumpkins.
"Gimme the deed to your property...and maybe a latte. NOW!"

“Gimme the deed to your property…and maybe a latte. NOW!”

  • Smarties are Tums that grew up on the wrong side of the tracks.
  • Snickers are my favorite chocolate candy, but what the hell is nougat?
    • Don’t Google “nougat” right now and then claim you knew all along.
  • Dum Dums should not be allowed at Halloween. I don’t want to be gifted a candy that people regularly get at the bank and the doctor’s office.
  • Spooky gummy candies like eyeballs, fingers, and spiders are disturbing and unacceptable.
    • If I wanted to eat something posing as meat, I’d have seitan.
  • Whatever happened to Bazooka Joe?
    • Maybe if he hadn’t been toying around with the bazooka, he’d still have both his eyes.
    • It’s odd that a dude named “Bazooka” Joe has such small arms.
Bazooka Joe

Bazooka Joe

  • Why do “Fun Size” Starbursts always have either red or orange in them? Gimme yellow! Gimme pink!
  • Dots were clearly invented by the dental community.
    • Dots, or D.O.T.S., is actually an acronym: Dentist-Orchestrated-Tactical-Sweets.


  • Tootsie Pops are Tootsie Rolls in body armour.
    • That owl in the glasses is a bully.
"I count the licks, but it doesn't matter, 'cause I'm just gonna bite this s*** anyway."

“I count the licks, but it doesn’t matter, ’cause I’m just gonna bite this s*** anyway.”

  • I feel bad for the candies that are always the last ones picked, like the nerd in gym class. Everyone burns through the Snickers, Butterfingers, Reese’s…and then at the bottom of the bowl, there is a sad and lonely “Fun Size” Whoopers looking like a discarded, seasonal pearl tampon.
    • Ironically, candy Nerds get picked quickly.


  • Junior Mints are the only candy you can purposefully eat before or during a date.
    • “They’re very refreshing!”
  • One final note as you prepare to pass out candy today: inedible items are unacceptable Halloween treats, such as pennies, wax vampire fangs, McDonald’s gift certificates, and Almond Joys.

Happy Halloween, y’all!