Posts Tagged ‘Candy’

By Paul Gaszak, English Faculty

I love candy, because I’m a fat kid at heart; Literally – I may actually have Sour Patch Kids lodged in my arteries. Since no holiday celebrates candy to orgiastic proportions like Halloween, let’s clarify some points about the season’s sugary delights:

  • Candy is the only time when the “Fun Size” is the smaller size.
    • Why do we accept companies dictating a “Fun Size” to us? How’d those “Fun Size” sodas work out in New York?


  • There are “King Size” candy bars, just like with beds. But there are no “Queen Size” bars. At worst, that seems sexiest. At minimum, that seems like a lonely life for the King.
    • Twix and Kit Kat already handled the “Twin Size.”
These are Twix...I hope.

These are Twix…I hope.

  • Candy corn is associated with Halloween, but I associate real corn with summer more than fall. We need candy versions of true fall staples:
    • candy hay fever
    • candy influenza
    • candy forgot-to-change-my-clocks
    • candy “why-is-it-so-cold-in-this-house”
    • candy “sure-is-gettin’-dark-early-these-days”
  • Taffy Apples count as a serving of fruit. Just because an apple rolled around in some caramel and nuts doesn’t mean it’s no longer an apple.
    • If a person rolled around in caramel and nuts, they’d still be a person – a person you’d totally want to hangout with.
      • Non-Halloween Point of Clarification: a banana split is also a serving of fruit.
  • Taffy Apples with sprinkles are apples with an identity crisis. They’re half-Halloween, half-Ice Cream Shop, and All-Carnivale.
  • Pumpkin is getting imperialistic. Pie was fine, but it has pushed its way into candies, cookies, donuts, spiced lattes. If you find a pumpkin outside your home that you didn’t put there, it’s there to take your stuff.
    • Our ancestors saw this coming, hence why they started carving pumpkins.
"Gimme the deed to your property...and maybe a latte. NOW!"

“Gimme the deed to your property…and maybe a latte. NOW!”

  • Smarties are Tums that grew up on the wrong side of the tracks.
  • Snickers are my favorite chocolate candy, but what the hell is nougat?
    • Don’t Google “nougat” right now and then claim you knew all along.
  • Dum Dums should not be allowed at Halloween. I don’t want to be gifted a candy that people regularly get at the bank and the doctor’s office.
  • Spooky gummy candies like eyeballs, fingers, and spiders are disturbing and unacceptable.
    • If I wanted to eat something posing as meat, I’d have seitan.
  • Whatever happened to Bazooka Joe?
    • Maybe if he hadn’t been toying around with the bazooka, he’d still have both his eyes.
    • It’s odd that a dude named “Bazooka” Joe has such small arms.
Bazooka Joe

Bazooka Joe

  • Why do “Fun Size” Starbursts always have either red or orange in them? Gimme yellow! Gimme pink!
  • Dots were clearly invented by the dental community.
    • Dots, or D.O.T.S., is actually an acronym: Dentist-Orchestrated-Tactical-Sweets.


  • Tootsie Pops are Tootsie Rolls in body armour.
    • That owl in the glasses is a bully.
"I count the licks, but it doesn't matter, 'cause I'm just gonna bite this s*** anyway."

“I count the licks, but it doesn’t matter, ’cause I’m just gonna bite this s*** anyway.”

  • I feel bad for the candies that are always the last ones picked, like the nerd in gym class. Everyone burns through the Snickers, Butterfingers, Reese’s…and then at the bottom of the bowl, there is a sad and lonely “Fun Size” Whoopers looking like a discarded, seasonal pearl tampon.
    • Ironically, candy Nerds get picked quickly.


  • Junior Mints are the only candy you can purposefully eat before or during a date.
    • “They’re very refreshing!”
  • One final note as you prepare to pass out candy today: inedible items are unacceptable Halloween treats, such as pennies, wax vampire fangs, McDonald’s gift certificates, and Almond Joys.

Happy Halloween, y’all!

Easter Treats

Posted: March 28, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

By Paul Gaszak, English Faculty

It’s almost Easter, which is that special time of year when Christians like me celebrate the wonder and spectacle of Mel Gibson’s highest grossing film.

Additionally, as someone who likes food (too much), Easter is one of my favorite food holidays. Not only is there always a feast on Easter Sunday, but there is so much candy and junk food! Let’s review:

  • Growing up, my aunt would always make the traditional Easter lamb cake, which is pound cake in the
    Lamb cake
    shape of a lamb, complete with vanilla icing and coconut wool. The finishing touch was two black jelly bean eyes, which made this confectionery representation of Christ look terrifyingly satanic. (Does this also qualify the cake as “sinfully sweet”?) Unfortunately, coconut is one of the few foods I do not like, which left me to scrape it off my chunk of dismembered lamb. Eventually, my aunt started leaving the lamb’s head coconut-free. There was something unsettling about beheading the lamb, even if it was just cake. Thankfully, the evil eyes took a bit of the edge off.

  • Black jelly beans were invented to prevent people from blindly eating jelly beans.

    • Alternate Punchlines:

      • Black jelly beans were invented so people can say, “Well, I didn’t eat ALL of the Easter candy.”

      • Black jelly beans were invented so the few people who like them can be angry about it.

      • Black jelly beans were invented so there is something acceptable for people to spit out.

  • Peeps are like White Castles: they are a great idea until you put them in your mouth.PeepsWhite Castle
  • I’m a fan of Starburst jelly beans. No punchline here. Just gimme some.
  • Cadbury eggs are delicious, but I’m still trying to figure out how they came out of this bunny: 


  • Perhaps the most disappointing treat to find in an Easter basket is the gigantic bunny made of unbreakable, stale-tasting chocolate. If chocolate of this quality were in the shape of a basic square, no one would ever buy it. But mold candy_chocolate_bunnyit in the shape of a bunny and it hops its way into every basket. It’s always the last thing anyone tries to eat, only after all the good candy is gone. Chipping off a piece with your hand is impossible, so it leaves two options: 1) Carve it with a knife like a rock hard rump roast or 2) Risk chipping a tooth by biting directly into the bunny, leaving behind fang marks like a coyote. The bunny will remain half mauled/gnawed until about June when someone asks rhetorically, “Is anyone going to finish this thing?” before throwing it out.

  • I love the Easter egg version of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, because not all Reese’s are the same. The normal-sized, checkout counter ones do have a great chocolate-to-peanut butter ratio. The minis, on the other hand, don’t do it for me; not enough peanut butter. But my Goldilocks fit is the Easter Reese’s for its egg-stra shot of peanut butter.

    • Is it really peanut butter in those things? Is it even real chocolate?

  • I get irrationally excited by the holiday-colored M&Ms. I know this is ridiculous, because no matter the color, they all taste the same. It is also ridiculous, because it’s an example of blatant marketing tricks working on me. Do I buy a pound of M&Ms when the regular colors are on sale? No. But put them in a pastel bag and coat the chocolate in pastel shells, and I jump up and down clapping my hands like a Pee Wee cheerleader before putting a bag in my shopping cart. Well played, Mars.

  • Easter mm

There is so much sugary goodness to find in the Easter basket. So, rather than talk more about it, let’s go eat some. After all, I’ve been gnawing on a chocolate bunny the entire time I was writing this – and I think I chipped a tooth down my throat.