The Flâneur's Turtle

By Paul Gaszak, English Faculty

Thanksgiving is here! It’s time to eat as much as possible and then do some Black Friday shopping for bigger pants. But this holiday isn’t just about giving your cholesterol a boost; it’s also about giving thanks. So, allow me to give thanks:

• I am thankful that Jesus invented Thanksgiving.
  • I just wonder where he plugged in the electric carving knife.
    • Never mind. I forgot. Jesus doesn’t need an outlet.

• I am thankful that the Pilgrims brought turkeys to America on the Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria, and Titanic.
• I am thankful that Europeans and Native Americans got along so well that not even a trace of of tension or racism exists to this day.

• I am thankful for cornucopias: the classiest way to spill produce onto a table.

• I am thankful for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, because no one gets tired of seeing gigantic, inflatable versions of culturally irrelevant cartoon characters.
  • I am also thankful for C-rate musicians who lip-sync on floats.

• I am thankful that a turkey’s body cavity was specifically designed for stuffing.
  • I am thankful for the wishbone, which can grant anyone’s wish except the turkey’s.
• I am thankful for ham, which like turkey, ends up on our plates only out of obligation.
• I am thankful for Pillsbury crescent rolls, which are half doughy deliciousness, half pipe bomb.

• I am thankful for potatoes au gratin, ’cause au damn they’re good.
• I am thankful for casseroles, all of which are absolutely “secret family recipes” and not at all taken from a Campbell’s soup label.
• I am thankful that Ocean Spray cranberry sauce doesn’t have the shape and consistency of dog food.

Ocean Spray, Purina? Purina, Ocean Spray?

• I am thankful for the family and friends who think “Can you please pass the mashed potatoes?” means “Can you please pass along your unsolicited views on politics and religion?”
  • “Also pass the gravy boat of self-righteous anger and ignorance. Thanks!”
• I am thankful for alternative recipes to classic dishes, because every gathering needs one item we can all agree not to eat.

“Everyone grab a spoon! I brought mashed beets! It’s so much better than the normal food you all were expecting to eat and enjoy.”

• I’m thankful for the NFL tradition of having the Detroit Lions play on Thanksgiving. There’s nothing better than eating dinner while watching a perennial Super Bowl contender.

• I am thankful for jello molds, so that even the laziest relatives can contribute.
• I am thankful that pecan pie is both tasty and low-cal.
• I am thankful for pumpkin pie, whose pushy, narcissistic ways have earned it a starring role in two major holidays.
  • On a related note, I’m thankful for whipped cream.
• I am thankful to tryptophan, the official amino acid of Thanksgiving, for making it biologically acceptable to say, “It sure is getting late,” shortly after dessert.
• I am thankful for Tupperware, which keeps Thankgiving going all weekend long, like a drunk, lonely buddy who guilt trips you into having “just…one…more.”

Tupperware: In use for days, dirty in the sink for months.

• I am thankful for giving thanks, because thanks giving makes Thanksgiving the prime time for thanks. So, thanks for that. Happy Thanksgiving!