Bold NFL Predictions

Posted: September 5, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

By Paul Gaszak, English Faculty

The 2013-2014 NFL season is here! Like many Americans, I can’t wait to watch all the action, follow all the stories, and waste valuable time over-analyzing my fantasy football teams. My boldest prediction for the season is that the Miami Dolphins will defeat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. Beyond that, here are other bold predictions:

—Our nation will witness a steep increase in wildlife-based profanity, like, “WTF, Bears?”

—Chicagoans will whine all winter about the cold, all while proudly proclaiming it “Bear Weather” every Sunday.

—Someone will say “Buccaneer” without being drunk on Captain Morgan and speaking in a Pirate-y voice.captain-morgan-pic

—At halftime of a Sunday night game, I will realize that I’m still wearing the same clothes I woke up in, which will prompt me to reevaluate my life as I eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch with my only clean dishware: a mixing bowl and a serving spoon.

—Detroit Lions fans will finally question why their team name is so geographically inaccurate. “Are there lions in Detroit? And are they blue? What have we been doing with our lives…?”

—At least one man will finally realize how sad it is for an adult to walk around in public wearing a team jersey on non-gamedays.

ickey—Someone under 30 will think the “Ickey Shuffle” is another name for the “Walk of Shame.”

—The Miami Dolphins will sign Tim Tebow, prompting the media to nickname the team “The Jesus Fish.” fish_black

—After Tebow is cut by the Dolphins, he will be hired by the Saints as a holy water boy.

—Someone will say “Quoth the raven, ‘Nevermore,’” after a Baltimore Ravens sack and then act all smug like that just earned them their Ph.D. in American Literature.

—It will be revealed that Terry Bradshaw and Hulk Hogan are the same person.terry bradshawhulk hogan

—Jerry Jones will become dissatisfied with the size of his current stadium jumbotron and deciaaron-rodgers-cheddar chexde to project Cowboys games on the face of the moon.

—Aaron Rodgers, State Farm, and General Mills will team up to make Discount Double Chex Mix.

—For the first time, a professional athlete will actually be spotted eating a Subway sandwich.

—Tom Brady will continue to be annoyingly handsome.

—In a stroke of tactical genius, Bill Belichick will confuse his opponents by ditching his schlubby hoodie for a full tuxedo complete with top hat, cane, and monocle.bellitux

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